Hola chicas & chicos!
See what I did there? #WeStandWithPC – that’s why I put ‘chicas’ in front of ‘chicos’.
Hey you guys, it’s Charla nº 5 and it’s a good one. One in five, five to one, Don Juan, having fun. Rest assured, peeps, in no way shall we have fun because forward-thinking radical PC rule book of 2020 specifically prohibits all kinds of fun. I’d like to denounce my sinful past right here, right now. I led a very impure life in the 1990s. Bad, bad boy. The dirty V10 sound will never ever penetrate my ears again, not on my PC watch!
Even the slightest thought of fun should make us tremble inside and feel horrified of our own dirty little instincts. It’s a no-no. Ai-ai! Nah-nah.
As an eco-head (the opposite of outdated petrolhead, really), it fills my hydrogen-powered heart and my entire green being with joy to know that our beloved sport has finally managed to dedicate its main cause to making things right, starting with Formula 1 Rolex Grosser Preis Von Österreich 2020 and Formula 1 Pirelli Grosser Preis Der Steiermark 2020.
With the electro-hybrid non-racing and rainbow-coloured safety halos looming on the emission-free Styrian horizon, I thought I’d go ahead and diversify one of the most diverse Formula One drivers of all time – I’m talking of course about Vitaly Petrov.
Coming from a great country well known for its diverse climate, space rockets and wildlife, Vitaly was – still is – an incredibly solemn and stony-faced lad. Remember, that’s one of the cornerstones, main pillars of PC. That’s why we watch Formula 1 in the first place.
Nicknamed the “Vyborg Rocket”, our Vitaly carried himself with utmost diverse dignity during his brief passage through the sport; some say his booster rocket’s afterburner shone bright under the Singapore lights and not only, he dared to be different and he left the capsule. The first Russian driver in F1 – box ticked; the first Russian driver to stand tall on the F1 podium – box ticked; the first Russian driver to take off in a Renault Lotus/Lotus Renault GP – box ticked; Caterham’s most successful Russian F1 driver – effing box effing ticked.
Ooops, sorry. I better watch my mouth. Swearing is in no way PC-friendly, it’s not allowed. It won’t be admitted from hereon in. I have already punished myself with severe flogging and I was in addition hit by the door on the way out of my basement. It felt morally justified, ethical, honourable, honest, principled giving all my clothes to charity after this sickening slip of the tongue.
So anyway, Vitaly had, in effect, paved the road to F1 for yet another mighty Russian stag, the one and only D. Kvyat, who happens to be even more diverse than Vitaly. How do Russians do that?!
One can only speculate, but I suppose you can’t expect less from a NATION that gave us Ivan IV aka Ivan the Terrible (a famous rapper and social activist from Moscow decorated by the Democratic PC Institute of Western Sahara); FM Dostoevsky, the Father of modern-day radio; LN Tolstoy, Liev Schreiber’s great-grandfather; Leonid Brezhnev who famously rocked the thick eyebrows look and served as the spiritual guidance to Nigel Mansell and Fernando Alonso. The list goes on and on.
Russia is so exceptional that I think we should consider not one but THREE Grands Prix there: Sochi, Moscow Raceway and Igora Drive (a clever homage to Nivelles-Baulers).
Staying with the “Vyborg Rocket” subject matter, I’d like to take this opportunity and urge F1, Liberty and the FIA to address a serious global issue that’s really close to my heart: space garbage.
When I was a kid, a large piece of the Chinese communist satellite (I later found out it was called the 巨大的红色阴茎) hit me on the head while I was polar bear hunting in tundra with my uncle. The issue arose because back then we didn’t know how to properly dispose of satellites and spaceships. While the satellite’s thermal blanket disintegrated on impact with my head, its antenna made it through to my family’s yurt unscathed. WE MUST PROTECT SATELLITES! THIS HAS TO STOP! THE WORLD NEEDS CHANGE! ACT NOW!
I’m certain you’ll enjoy Vitaly Petrov’s and diversified even further photo gallery below.
PS I know the exact outcome of both Austrian races, I’ll give you an exclusive preview of top 5 and P-Last: 1. Hamilton, 2. Bottas, 3. Leclerc, 4. Verstappen, 5. Albon, 20. Vettel (DNF, spin, Race 1 & Race 2).