Wow peeps, it’s our Charla nº4, a good number, I like it. Irvine used to carry nº4 back in 1999. V10 baby.

So I said it B4 and I’ll say it again: social media is no bueno, press delete. While pretty much half of the planet’s boomer to Z population was up to no good, just tearing each other up on various “social” networks over every possible subject unde the sun, I’ve been peacefully consuming copious amounts of coffee and producing the same copious amounts of p00p, just to check how much faecal matter I can harvest to sell online. Bread and Honey, that’s all I need.

And I’m so full of $h*t! Imma be rich.

Moving on to our tonight’s episode: “Alesi solves the problem – Ice-cream in the trunk”; tonight’s special guest… Jason Statham.

I’m positive that some time last week you little geezers went online and watched Claude Lelouch’s “Le Grand Rendez-Vous: The official film”, starring Ferrari F1 driver C. Leclerc, some anonymous high society ladies, Prince Albert II (Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre Grimaldi), a group of mental dudes in medical masks wearing posh suits, and last but not least – the mean streets of Monaco.

I will put that out right now – the original “C’était un rendez-vous” short film was, errm, all fake engine noise, overdubbed screeching tyres and no style. It’s a 12-year-old’s fantasy, I don’t rate that at all. Easily forgettable.

2020’s “Rendez-Vous” soundtrack is better defined as garbage (I’d even settle on Garbage the forgotten 1990s band, but no… they used something called “Mister C-14494” by Charles Schillings (SACEM) 20 | Laurent Couson (SACEM) 80, duh-fuq is dat? A fictitious band from A Clockwork Orange?), Charles is much worse than Schumacher as an actor, while the storyline was definitely written by a peyote and San Pedro cactus frequent user. It’s NUTS! I mean had they thrown in a bit of orgy from Eyes Wide Shut and Lynch’s one-armed man in the midst, well, they could have pulled it off by the skin of their teeth, it would be there or thereabouts and on the same level with Pink Flamingos. The film doesn’t work as it is, I’m sad to say that.

The only bit in the “movie” that I enjoyed was looking down at Portier corner, the scene of Senna’s ’88 infamous crash.

Life-changing moment of course, I look at it in a good way. You drive against Prost – you learn. 50/50 for me between Prost and Senna, you can’t comment, remember. Comments are disabled.

Ah, he talks the talk, but does he walk the walk, you might ask. Yes, I do. I cakewalk on water, puddles.

Here’s how I reimagined “Le Grand Rendez-Vous: The official film”. And action!

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It’s a sunny Mediterranean morning. A military helicopter is flying over the beautiful Monaco bay – or whatever that’s called; we cut to the pilot’s back, played by Jason Statham, he then turns his head over to Charles and screams at the top of his lungs: “Jump, Ponyboy! Jump!” Cue the dramatic music, The Rolling Stones’ rendition of “I wanna be your man” in mono.

Leclerc’s pulls his face into an ugly grimace, he shouts something undecipherable, waves goodbye to Statham and jumps off the heli, with a parachute, for sure. We see him slicing through the air at ridiculous speeds; for no apparent reason at all, he pulls out a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and starts randomly shooting birds. He misses. Loud pops and bangs, Charles laughs like a maniac, big blow-up of his face and we hear him say: “Zis is like a V10!” I must add I thought about the remote possibility of slotting Max Verstappen in a minor role for this bit, I now realized there’s a conflict of interest between Red Bull, Aston Martin, Honda and Ferrari/FCA Group. If Carlos Ghosn was available, I’d feature him as a lonely beachgoer on the Plage du Larvotto. I’m fan, that’s all there is to it.

Leclerc finally and safely lands near La Rascasse restaurant, drops his parachute gear on the holy ground and the first thing he sees is Mario Andretti sitting in an old midget car and revving the engine like crazy. Once Andretti spots Leclerc, he immediately storms off into the distance while smoking his tyres in pure madman style (Firestone tires for proper Mario fans). Leclerc, while looking mysterious, utters “What the…” and we cut to Johnny Herbert farting on the sidewalk. Yes, I write the script. I want Johnny Herbert to fart on camera. He’s sort of moping about and farts every two seconds or so. Why not?

Our next scene is awesome: Leclerc is seen running towards his parked Ferrari SF90 Stradale in slow motion and we cut to Jeremy Clarkson at the controls of a Spitfire warplane, he’s properly attired in period uniform. We can feel Clarkson is getting angrier by the minute, by the second. He pulls the trigger of one the Spitfire’s mighty Browning machine guns and Leclerc’s Ferrari is now being completely destroyed by Clarkson’s gunfire, the car – now resembling a colander or Swiss cheese – then explodes in a spectacular fashion, we see bits and pieces flying off it, Zabriskie Point-like explosion, we probably don’t even need any type of soundtrack here, although the choice of “Happiness Is a Warm Gun” is a no-brainer. A scene somewhat reminiscent of the North Hollywood shootout, less dramatic perhaps. Nobody gets hurt. PC-friendly, all in all. Clarkson bellows: “Michael Flugzeuger is gum!” He points the Spitfire towards Nice and he’s out of the picture, literally. Leclerc is shocked, flabbergasted; he pops next door to the restaurant near his landing spot and orders a cup of coffee.

Don’t worry, the ending is sooo perfecto.

For the final scene I went with Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg theme. You’ll also recognize Jean Alesi because he’s in the movie, my movie.

It turns out GT has been watching all these events unfold in front of her from Avenue de la Quarantaine, she puts her protection helmet on (we’re responsible adults here at the 21st Iberian Century Wombat studios), hops on her 405 PETROL Whyte Bikes bike and she does a lap of the Monaco GP circuit. In one take, no trucage. We follow GT on her cold Monaco lap to the sound of Buddy Holly’s “Rock Around With Ollie Vee” played over and over again, like they do in a madhouse.

She completes her lap in 1:35:01.659, she arrives at Place du Casino, 98000 where a strange bearded man played by William Storey hands her a bunch of flowers and a can of Rich Energy drink. GT smiles.

If that’s not enough, we suddenly hear the wild roar of the Ferrari 412 T2 driven by none other than Jean Alesi himself, Le Roi, he whizzes past GT and WS, in addition we see Prince Albert II sitting on top of the Ferrari’s engine cover à la Alesi Canada 1995. Epic!

And cut. The end.

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Is my version genius or what? But wait there’s more!

My second idea for the script is merely a recreation of Chris Amon‘s life, with Leclerc playing Amon and Louis C. Camilleri as a toned-down version of il Commendatore. Featuring Mattia Binotto as Peppino?

“Often I’d have lunch with the Old Man. It wasn’t an invitation, it was a command performance. His old chauffeur, Peppino, had been his riding mechanic in the 1920s. Peppino’s job was to keep his car clean – usually the big Ferrari four-seater, like a 330GT – and have it waiting, warmed up, ready for lunch. The Old Man’d get behind the wheel, I’d get in the front passenger seat, and Peppino would squeeze in the back with the Old Man’s poodle. In the summer we’d drive up into the hills, where it was cooler. We’d have lunch, me and the Old Man at one table, Peppino at another with the dog, feeding it fruit salad. I’d be sipping water and the Old Man would down a bottle of wine, then a couple of his malt whiskies. The drive down the hill would be terrifying, horn blasting, goats and peasants scattering. I used to think, ‘If I go now at least I’ll go out in style.’