BREAKING! Helmut Marko: I Want to Infect the Racing World with my Enthusiasm

NEWS & STORIES

Red Bull Motorsports advisor Dr Helmut Marko has sent shockwaves through the motorsports community and Formula 1 in particular when he suggested that ‘it would be ideal’ if his drivers were infected with coronavirus on purpose in order to develop immunity.

“We have four F1 drivers, eight or ten juniors, and the idea was that we organize a camp where we mentally and physically bridge this somewhat dead time,” Marko was quoted as saying. “And of course it would be ideal – these are all young, strong, really good men in good health – that the infection then comes, so that you would be all geared up whenever you start and you can be prepared for a probably very hard championship.”

“I’m not quite sure what Helmut was thinking there,” commented, according to his Instagram bio, Team Principal @RedBullRacing and @wingsforlife Ambassador Christian Horner. “Just because some nutters are holding a conference, it doesn’t mean you need to take them seriously, or devote 60 minutes of airtime.”

RBR boss was flabbergasted

RBR boss was flabbergasted

But in spite of that, Marko revealed the full extent of his villainousness: “Well, many of you may not know (about F1 in 1999) but it was I who caused Schumacher’s crash in Silverstone back in 1999!”

“Jawohl, Red Bull was with Sauber during the 1999 campaign, remember them? We were getting last year’s Ferrari V10 engines that were total cr*p, unlike our current Honda Power Units that are environmentally more friendly on top. I must tell you Sauber made a huge mistake (in 2017) when they ditched Honda deal in favour of that cheating Ferrari fire power, meaning they’ll feel the burn in 2020 from AlphaTauri. Not to mention that our junior team is more Italian than Sauber, aka fake Alfa Romeo, hello duh!

“In Siverstone in qualifying our both drivers Jean (Alesi) and Pedro (Diniz) were nowhere because of those cr*ppy Ferrari engines so I went to see Jean Todt, and he said something along the lines of he couldn’t care less which made me super angry at the time. Of course, I had to do something about it. So I put my Red Bull Spy hat on – who do you think is tweeting all those funny photos from the races, ha ha ha – and sneaked unnoticed into the Ferrari garage on the morning before the race with the secret intention of planting a Wiener schnitzel inside Schumacher’s rear brake drums. My undercover operation was an overwhelming success. The Italians can only smell pizza and wine, you know. I realize, in retrospect, it sounds bad that I sabotaged Michael’s car and he broke his leg, on the other hand he seemed to have gained at least a second per lap in pure speed when he made his comeback in Malaysia later that year, Eddie Irvine (Schumacher’s then team-mate) confirmed this fact, a very reliable source I must add. You see how bad things can lead to good things. This was on my mind when I made my virus camp suggestion.

“I also drove that Renault F1 lorry off the road last year, please don’t ask me what happened to the real truckie. Once again, you could see how Renault suddenly picked up the pace towards the end of the season. I made them a huge favour, regardless of our previous political fights. I’m a good man.

The truck/truckie stood no chance: Marko’s Austrian job; screen grab via https://twitter.com/dailystar/status/1155794531255771137?s=20

“At Red Bull we equally keep a close eye on the American racing scene, although Scott Speed never really made it, Franz (Tost) and I always thought of him as a wuss. I know I’ll blow your mind right now but a quick confession first: I’m strangely attacted to team trucks and I’m a meth addicted pyromaniac to boot, few people know that I actually like to hang out with my homies from Rammstein when they’re on tour and one sees a lot of fiery explosions on stage. That show they did in Paris a couple of years ago was SO amazing, I think you can spot me in the background having a jolly good time sniffing gasoline and such (if you watch the video we incorpoted below). Absolutely love these guys.

“You don’t suppose Colton Herta’s truck set itself on fire out of nowhere – I gave it a bit of help! NASCAR is next, that’s what I’m saying. I’m pretty enthusiastic for my age, I surely want to infect the racing world with my boomer enthusiasm.”

Colton Herta's Andretti Autosport truck on fire - caused, reportedly, by Dr Helmut Marko

Colton Herta’s Andretti Harding Steinbrenner Autosport truck on fire – caused, reportedly, by Dr Helmut Marko; screen grab via https://twitter.com/WFLA/status/1237659249364414464?s=20

Iberianmph.com has no further comment to make at this point.

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