By: Cyril Nikitenko

#SingaporeGP Notes

I always felt like F1 was coming to Singapore only because of durians – I like their delicious taste and lovely teen spirit smell. Also, squashing a durian with my Portuguese Calçado Guimarães sh*t-kickers is the highlight of the year for me.

Kicking the sh*t out of durians with Calçado Guimarães

But first things first…

I headed my precious lazy body to my expensive luxury hotel downtown at the back of a decidedly geriatric rickshaw, surely powered by Honda and its power of dreams. Dream on, Toro Rosso. Hara-kiri is on the horizon.

Masum is slowfoot: the Badoer of Singapore

I’m a fatter myself, a big-a$$ fella and in Singapore that means constant sweating and swearing. It’s an effing neverending sweat-fest, mf-er. But who cares. I don’t train in Finnish saunas like F1 drivers do before the Durian GP. Staying hydrated cannot be underestimated in Singapore. I prefer Red Bull mixed with Monster, plus a slight addition of bourbon. That stuff keeps me going baby!

No drinking is not healthy

The SIN city felt somewhat empty without the sound of F2 I have to say. For sure, Force India’s new bro-tosaurian engine cover in combination with its ding-dong nose aero made up for the disappointment. Who doesn’t love a monstrous F1 design? I say spice up the only place that has no sex aids: drivers’ helmets! I’d fancy a cranky appendage on the HALO next year.

Choppin’ broccoli

And so they qualified well, Ferrari I mean: #Seb5 took P1, grande lavoro, piccolo ragazzo. #Kimi7 was his usual top 4. Mercedes boys were nowhere, a shocker for some, while McLaren for once had both cars in Q3. A quick note for Jo Palmer’s relative success in qualifying, the luckless GP2 champ would go on to finish P6 in the race where he overtook people left, right and centre and generally did a decent job; gotta go with a negative note for Hülkenberg’s massive no podiums record, the guy is having some pretty bad luck his entire F1 career.

The race was Ferrari’s to lose, given Hamilton’s rather modest pace around the twisty Singapore track, and that’s exactly what happened! M©therlØver, what a way to spoil the 2017 championship fight! The Vettel chop created exactly the opposite effect to the one intended: da lil’ Verstappie had nowhere to go when squeezed between the two red-faced Scuderia drivers and then promptly catapulted the Iceman straight into the left-hand sidepod of the #5 Arminius, with green slime soon pouring from the back of the crashed Limping Horse.

Vettel was out after a few turns, Alonso, who got tangled up in the first lap melee, suffered the same fate: wrong place, wrong time.

In serious need of ice-cream

Kimi didn’t even say “bwoah”, such was his utter amazement. Verstappen could’ve easily been crowned as the King of DNFs in 2017 thanks to all the shenanigans.

The race didn’t go anywhere after lap 1. No real excitement, just incredible massive luck for Mercedes who once again look poised to sweep drivers’ and constructors’ titles.

Who knew!

Malaysia is up next on the calendar and a win is obligatoire for Vettel and his team. In the sacred memory of the first Malaysian GP winner, Edmund Irvine, the circle must be completed.