Let’s talk Formula 1 car liveries – or rather lack of in 2024. Cars and liveries, both (courtesy of Williams’ Microsoft Excel troubles and lack of spare parts, apparently).

I sort of dig the fake 1980s looks, with simplified front wings and all. Rear wings? Not so much. If it ain’t looking like the (proper) Williams FW11’s rear wing, then I don’t like it, I don’t want it.

But the worst part is this bare carbon fibre fetish. The slap a few stickers on the bloody thing and call it a livery. I think it robs the spectators of true Formula 1 spirit, if there ever was one. Make car paint compulsory. That way the weight issue will still be the same for everybody. I want to be able to identify who is who. Helmet designs leave a lot to be desired as well, it’s just seagull excrement splattered all over any given F1 helmet. Maybe they could each choose a specific design for their respective HALOs?

Enough of F1 though. Let’s dig right into Formula 2, shall we?

We shall.

The main storyline is that this current generation Dallara closely resembles a peacock (who spread its tail feathers). See what I mean, I tried to illustrate my unifying theory by using an ancient technique known to mankind as the art of “screen grabbing”.

Three F2 racing peacocks at full speed.

One toy peacock ready to be adopted.

Formula 2 and most junior categories clearly have a serious problem on their hands: they got nowhere to place their champions, apart from Super Formula or IndyCar. Okay, there’s a decent portion of former GP2/GP3 guys in F1, the same could be said of Formula 2’s modern reincarnation (from 2017 onwards). You’ve got generation talent, like Piastri, doing great things at McLaren Zak.0, for instance. Fair play to F2.

Then you struggle to understand what’s next for poor old Théo Pourchaire and super old Felipe Drugovich. F2 champs with some pedigree in the sport, both resigned to domestic series or sim work. I’d like to see those guys test the NDV principle in F1 (N. de Vries).

TP fighting for P19 in Japan. That’s a lot of gazoo.

F2 2024? Well, they’re obviously placing it firmly in the realm of the new generation of fans marketing-wise (nothing wrong with that), somebody born in the year of Vettel’s first title. Kids, teens. With smartphones, selfies, big dreams, TikTok, etc.. Paid for by Formula 1 team bosses. As most drivers in F2 are on F1 teams’ YD academy bill. The new Kimi (supported by Toto) who was supposed to smash all Formula 2 records to the smithereens on his debut – not in the first half of the season, not yet. Alain Prost’s doppelgänger, the unlucky Hadjar who still managed to win a Feature Race in his second season of F2 racing. Could’ve been worse though: Martins only got 6 pts to this name after 6 races, the same amount of points that Oliver Bearman currently got in F1 after only 1 race (for Ferrari, no less, that was pretty solid, plus it’s Ferrari). The Bear will need a miracle to win the championship in 2024, be it F2 or F1. Maloney is looking pretty strong, so far so good for the fast Bajan, he’s a smart operator, consistent, I like ZM for the drivers’ crown. Consistency wins titles, beautifully effing illustred by Lauda in 1984.

Then it’s absolute deep depression, doom and gloom for the likes of Verschoor, Colapinto and Bortoleto. Not the season they would’ve wanted or anticipated. Those dudes gotta score more points and avoid trouble at all costs – and costs are quite high! A small fee for a large bill is the status quo in Formula 2.

However, the biggest question of all is how Marta García (the 2023 F1 Academy champion) will perform in the rather clumsily named Formula Regional European Championship by Alpine (or FRECA for short).

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I’d like to end this charla with more experimental literary stuff. Something outside the Mercedes box. Lando pit lane.

Y’know, I’ve been long intrigued by the Revonoc (Conover backwards) yacht’s mystique. So it got me thinking: what would F1 drivers’ imaginary superyachts sound like? Well, we’re going to find out below.

Verstappen – Neppatsrev (a new Spyker model?)

Perez – Zerep (needs a bit of work)

Leclerc – Crelcel (ooh la la, is it a fancy Parisian croissant?)

Sainz – Znias (sounds a bit rude, like “be off”)

Piastri – Irtsaip (sounds like an Egyptian?)

Norris – Sirron (aready a winner there! if I had a yacht, I’d call it “The Sirron”, for sure)

Russell – Llessur (not bad, sounds romantic)

Hamilton – Notlimah (creme tangerine and Montélimar)

Stroll – Llorts (a medieval Spanish knight perhaps? Laertes?)

Alonso – Osnola (no bueno)

Ricciardo – Odraiccir (in the middle, a town in Andalusia?)

Tsunoda – Adonust (the Greek god of beauty and desire?)

Hulkenberg – Grebnekluh (Teutoburg Forest)

Magnussen – Nessungam (Nessun dorma? a test track in Japan?)

Albon – Nobla (Noble)

Sargeant – Tnaegras (Mardi Gras?)

Zhou – Uohz (a new chemical element? a new planet in a galaxy far away?)

Bottas – Sattob (Takuma Sato’s Finnish twin brother?)

Gasly – Ylsag (Gulag, sorry Pierre)

Ocon – Noco (No go, the car, not the driver)